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You say it's not a sword!
But with your pen you torture men.
So, the other night...I was on my 3rd bottle of red wine and I was re-watching The Grey and was feeling really very one with nature... Once more into the fray.Collapse )
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I have this hot tupperware filled with left over spinach and paneer samosas sitting on my abdomen like a heating pad right now. What has my life come to?

Your face could stay like that.Collapse )
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A bottle of wine on a week day and tipsy eating of leftover bbq...not a good look.

Scream your lungs out.Collapse )
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New dress. Her name is Lesley. I've been lusting after this dress since November!
Of course, I took photos of myself in it the second I ripped the packaging open. Now, regarding these photos...I'm horrible with the self timer on my camera. By the time I got the camera to balance on something and pressed the button and ran across the room to get in the shot, it would take the photo and I would look awkward in mid-run/mid-pose in the resulting photo.
So, then I tried taking the ~myspace angles~ route by taking a full body shot from above my head..and a good portion of those shots turned out just focused on my tits or chopping various sections of my head off annnnd it was such a mess, haha. I couldn't even manage one proper full body shot. The following photos are what I salvaged from my pathetic series of self-portraits.

Flushed with success, wearing a little black dress.Collapse )
I'm finding out that I talk the talk dangerously well, but I'm scared of what could happen when the time comes to walk.
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Black Swan was thrilling.

I had the craziest dream last night.Collapse )
These are my first animated icons ever, so they're not amazing or anything..but I'm still excited about them, lol.


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Boy, you forgot about the promises you made me.Collapse )

I also created a community for my icons, so join if you're interested, idk: slendicons
Woke up about an hour ago.
Golden Grain...That shit is 96% alcohol. Never again, damn.
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& it's my problem if I have no friends and feel I want to die.

Kicking bitches out the condo like Pam.

Accept dances.
Refuse phone numbers.
Confirm that, yes, my hair is indeed very long.
Observe that particular roommate lied about 'not dancing like a white girl.'
Laugh to self.
Get stuck walking said girl home.
Pretend to care about her yammering about her ex-fiancé.
No longer laughing.
Consider bottling eau de parfum d'weed et d'aide de kool.

Cause it's on. Yea, girl, it's on.
You know what it is when I finally make it home.
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Wear a necklace of thorns.

Happy Birthday, Frida. I love you.
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So, it's been a year. What can I say that I haven't already? I've written about Michael Jackson's death and how it affected me a few times before:
July 3, 2009
August 29, 2009
October 25, 2009
November 1, 2009
Yes, it is sad that a family lost a son, brother, father, uncle, etc. Yes, it's sad that fans lost an idol. For me, however, it's sad because I lost an archetype..(well..okay, maybe that's too strong a word, perhaps framework works better) that I based my consumption of music on. Ha, I fully know it sounds self-indulgent and obsessive & that's because it is. I guess I can't deny that I am obsessed with him.

This humpty dumpty's lucky.Collapse )
I've started studying for the CPA exam in earnest after just talking about doing it (and avoiding it) for a while. I'm starting with Audit & Attestation. It's going okay so far, but I'm still really intimidated, not even gonna lie. I haven't signed up for any sections yet even though my Dad keeps pushing me to. We'll see how it goes.
On a completely unrelated note, I recently read that egg whites apparently contain a substance that counteracts the harmful effects of the egg's yolk on a person's cholesterol level. OH YEAAAA. Excuse me while I blindly believe this without doing any more research. Eggs over easy, hay hay hayy.

Since I have to study for the CPA exam nothing better to do, I filled out Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire. I got the idea from nesquik9 & this site.

ProustCollapse )

Distant as the milky way.Collapse )

It tears me apart in a silent way.Collapse )
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It travels south with disuse.
Okay, so I was in the kitchen just now making some mac & cheese, right, when I overhear a roomie on the phone trying to say that you can only spread herpes ~during an outbreak.
Whoa, whooaa, WHAT? Damn, girl, no. Where were you during your middle school health class?
This is going to bother me. I want to correct her because that's something wayyy too serious to be wrong about but I can't be a megacreeper and knock her door all HEY ROOMIE I NEVER TALK TO HERPES CAN BE SPREAD EVEN OUTBREAK FREE VIA VIRAL SHEDDING I COULD HEAR UR SUPER SECRET CONVO SRY LOL K BYE.
Oh, my life.

Fuck it, Imma write that shit on a post-it and leave it on her door.
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"I saw it written once that the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over and expecting the outcome to suddenly be different. I am finally ready to stop this insanity. Well, Mr. Big Brother IRS man, let's try something different; take my pound of flesh and sleep well."-Joe Stack (1956-2010)

Joe, you cared so much. What the fuck was the point of giving up like this?
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I'm like a cat in heat stuck in a moving car.
Dad calls to check up on my job searching. I sit silently. I feel words rushing in my head but they somehow lose their meaning in seconds & they conveniently bypass my mouth. He yells some more. I close my eyes. Exhale audibly. I regret it immediately and hope it went unnoticed. Then I apologize, tell him I'm busy with classes. I'm preoccupied...only a half lie this time. He thinks something's up. I don't blame him.
I just want to settle into this semester a little bit before I throw myself behind an ambitious job hunt again. I'm applying to shit online..but these jobs are ones I know I am not qualified for. & that one fucking class that fucked over my GPA certainly isn't helping matters.
I can't have conversations with him anymore. I always think rationally the second after I flip my phone shut. I'll never impress or assure him (...or myself, for that matter) this way. It's frustrating. I have to face reality finally..I can only prolong this shit for so long. There are times that I wonder if I have inherited some of these problems. No. In actuality, I'm probably being irresponsible...blaming my own fear on others. There's apathy coupled with this fear. It's a potent combination.

I should have packed for the weekend by now. I should be sleeping. Not sitting in front of my laptop crying in the dark and pitying myself like a fucking character from a teen movie.

What a mad delusion.Collapse )

I should go to sleep now if I have any hope of waking with enough time to pack...but I'll probably be up another couple hours.
He's what I'm not. He stood in my doorway, called me rad, complimented my hair, and on his way out he was still looking at me. I found this endearing...until he walked into the wall. Like totally ran straight into it. Haha, adorable. It almost makes me want to put forth a little effort. Impress him. & then I remember he's just doing his job. I want to crawl back into bed.
Thinking all the time.
I no longer try to hide my annoyance with the both of them.
Basel was really nice. Delhi was great. Gorakhpur was...okay. & yet the more I think about it, the more I find that I did not enjoy more than I did enjoy. (Hello silly sentence.) That was probably related more to certain people I interacted with rather than the places I went.
The flight home from Zurich was so uncomfortable. It was exceptionally dry (as cabins usually are, I suppose, but this was particularly noticeable) and by the end of the flight it was unbearably hot and I felt gross. It didn't help that all throughout the flight I could hear an obnoxious couple making out. They were seated across the aisle, directly diagonal to my seat and they were kissing with such pornographic élan and laughing and carrying on so fucking loudly I just wanted to hit them over their heads with something large and heavy, ughhhh JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK YOUR FREE WINE YOU JERKS.
I'm not sleeping right now, obviously. I could try to cheat and chalk it up to jetlag but I know it's actually due to my poor sleeping habits. Or perhaps just poor timing...
I don't want to start another semester yet. It feels like the previous one just ended.
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I say that you're a liar.

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Go on, go on, go on, go on and dream. Your house is on fire.

I had a nightmare of sorts this morning. I was in a restaurant seated at a table across from Michael Jackson. He was wearing that blue tracksuit from the Invincible Virgin Megastore signing. His hair looked like it did in 2004. He looked good. Healthy.
He and I were having a conversation, I don't remember the content now, but I do recall that he was just about to make an important statement to me. Perhaps about a career move? He stood up from his seat and made direct eye contact with a slight smile on his face.
I looked up at him expectantly. It was going to be good news, so I was smiling in anticipation. I remember being excited to later tell my sister about my encounter.
Then just as he opened his mouth to speak...his face transformed. It became something grotesque, absolutely bloated and puffy. His lips yellowed, shriveled and curled into a horribly involuntary sneer. Large purple bruises encircled his eyes, which rolled back in his head. My own eyes widened in horror. His knees gave and he started to sink to the floor. I screamed, stood up out of my chair and grabbed his face with both hands...as if I could stop it, as if to protect him from it.
Then I woke up.
I might have screamed out loud, but of course, I can't be sure.
I am sure about the feeling, however. It was a terrible sensation of desperation & being helpless to help him. Kind of silly, really.
I feel like such a little bitch, but even at 4 months I still miss him so terribly.
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And if I do...I miss my lifeboat?
I just need to focus and stop letting this become bigger than it is. I can salvage what is left if I just focus.
I could use a drink or two and some cake right now.
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It is the worst feeling in the world.
To mourn so intensely for..a stranger. There's too much guilt and longing attached to it. I want it to stop.
There are moments where the grief just hits me and I get so overwhelmed with this deep, unmovable sorrow.
I don't like its constant recurrence & its compounding nature.
I can't understand it & I'm beginning to relish its cathartic notion less and less.
I have my own sad problems to tend to.
I have important things I need to focus on.
I'm sick of this.
If I felt silly weeping over a stranger at the time of his death, I feel absolutely ridiculous continuing to do so more than 2 months later.
I can't deny that I continue to miss him. I feel ridiculous and bitter.

Happy Birthday, Michael. I've loved you for 18 years and I still can't convey how much I miss you.

Demerol? Oh my, his God is Demerol?
Yeah. So, a week later & I'm still having trouble digesting the news...and its full impact. I feel silly weeping over a person that I essentially did not know..never met..never even saw perform live in person. But the feeling I experienced & continue to experience in light of the news of his death is very tangible, visceral and real. I'm certainly more than a casual fan. I mean, eighteen or so years between a fan and an artist is a long & significant relationship. An indirect and at times remote relationship..but a true and full one nonetheless. One that can be very personal.

The devastation (and shock) that I feel is on a scale larger than I ever expected.
I'm interested in pop culture in general. I enjoy analyzing it. I enjoy studying it. I probably spend too much time on it.
I've always been the first to acknowledge that I take the music I listen to & the people who create it very seriously. I am not a casual listener. I seek complete context. In that way, I connect myself to these people, these artists, in such a manner that it really becomes a huge investment.

...or living in make believe.Collapse )

Let's move on from Michael, shall we? I could write about shit like this endlessly, so I'm just going to stop now and change the subject.

Jet lag becomes her. Collapse )
I haven't applied to take any sections of the CPA exam yet. :/ I've decided it's too much pressure to assign myself to a date just yet. It's might be a bad idea that'll come back to bite me in the ass later, but I figure I have a little wiggle time to take it, so whatever. I'm still studying; it's just...so tedious. This summer has turned out to be more...busy for me than I thought it would be & I have less time for studying than I thought I would. We'll see how I feel in a few weeks, I guess.

I'm going to be out of town until early August or so. I'm flying to Shanghai with the family tomorrow morning (ugh, the flight is at 9am or something, so we have to wake up crazy early...wait...I've stayed up all night as usual so maybe I'll just sleep on the plane. It's like a 16 hour flight or something! Direct! No stops! But I love airports & flying, especially long flights, so I'm totally excited.) to hang out with my sister who's doing a study abroad semester there for the summer. That will be a little over 2 weeks, and then my Dad, Mom, & I come home for only one day before flying to Australia to hang out with my Dad while he does some academic research stuff with a university there. My Dad surprised me with the Australia news about 2 weeks ago, but we still haven't told Mom yet. We'll surprise her with it once we're in China. I hope that goes over okay.

I'm stepping outta here. Where I'm going...is out of my head.Collapse )
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frankenmixCollapse )
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My plan for today?

Screwdrivers, hella junkfood, and an evening of Nicolas Cage action movies.
But first, I need to sleep.
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