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You say it's not a sword!
But with your pen you torture men.
Reality is here among the stones. 
05 18 10
I've started studying for the CPA exam in earnest after just talking about doing it (and avoiding it) for a while. I'm starting with Audit & Attestation. It's going okay so far, but I'm still really intimidated, not even gonna lie. I haven't signed up for any sections yet even though my Dad keeps pushing me to. We'll see how it goes.
On a completely unrelated note, I recently read that egg whites apparently contain a substance that counteracts the harmful effects of the egg's yolk on a person's cholesterol level. OH YEAAAA. Excuse me while I blindly believe this without doing any more research. Eggs over easy, hay hay hayy.

Since I have to study for the CPA exam nothing better to do, I filled out Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire. I got the idea from nesquik9 & this site.


What is your idea of perfect happiness?
At the moment? Having financial security independent of anyone else. I'm not there yet, & yes, this is my bitter, unemployed college student answer, lol.

What is your greatest fear?
I don't want to be a burden on my father. That's the one thing I fear most in life. There's so much shit attached to it, but that sums it up nicely.
I'm also freaked out by large open bodies of water, lol. & swimming in large, open bodies of water (as in seriously large, deep ends of pools are fine, haha)...which is something I haven't done. It's the same as Michael Stipe's fear: "Swimming in lakes. Swimming in the ocean too. We made part of the record in Miami, and I would go down to the beach, and not 20 feet from the water I see a fish that is at least seven feet long swimming close to the shore. I did not go back in the ocean the entire month. I was terrified. I called the coast guard. I went online. I was obsessed. I lost two days in the studio over that stupid fish."

What historical figure do you most identify with?
I don't think of myself as significant enough to truly identify with any historical figures. There are those I admire, but I do not necessarily share their qualities.

Which living person do you most admire?
I don't know. Maybe my father..but it's difficult to overlook his flaws as of late, idk.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, he is truly awesome. Our relationship has really improved over the last few years. Everything I am I can attribute to him. Well, not everything, but almost, haha. He's done so much for me. He's seriously the smartest person I know. He knows everything. I believed it as a little kid when he would joke about being omniscient, and I still believe it now, haha.
I guess sometimes people misconstrue some of his actions as controlling..but I don't think he's any more controlling than any other immigrant father, haha.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
The fact that I often allow my fears to hold me back and feed into my apathy. What is that? Complacency? Is that even what complacency means? Hm. No, that's like feeling safe & being oblivious to the fact that you really aren't, right? Whatev.

What trait do you most deplore in others?
I hate when people are condescending.

What is your greatest extravagance?
I spend most of my money on music/dvds, I suppose.

On what occasion do you lie?
When it protects me, even if just in the short term. When it's easier than telling the truth. I'll admit that I've gotten too good at it in the context of my family. :/

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My nose is gargantuan from all angles and it mercilessly throws off what I think is an otherwise decent face.

What is your favorite journey?
Journey? Any that involves airplanes/airports. I love them.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Can I say ambition? Hahaha, oh look, my apathy is showing.

Which living person do you most despise?
I'll be general...I find myself hating people who use fallacies to infringe on human rights. Sexual or physical abuse is grounds to hate someone, in my opinion.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I can't think of any that I use that regularly.

What is your greatest regret?
Not standing up for myself in certain situations. Vague as fuck, right? Oh well, haha, on to the next question.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Hmm, does the music I love count?

When and where were you happiest?
Anytime I'm at a concert. It's the best feeling in the world.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to create music. I enjoy music so much. I get a lot out of listening to it and I wish I could create my own but I have no musical skills whatsoever. I can't sing, I can't play any instruments..I played piano for a while but quit years ago. Composing is so foreign to me. I can write poetry, but setting it to a beat/music and having it come out good? I can't even imagine being able to do that, haha. I have the utmost respect for songwriters/musicians.

What is your current state of mind?
Cynical, often. Bitter, always.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Just one though? Whatever, I'll do a few: I mean mug a lot. It's like my inadvertent default face. However, when I try to consciously not mean mug, it feels awkward and I feel like everyone can tell I'm fighting with my face, trying to keep it in an unnatural expression or something, haha. Once I was totally unconsciously mean mugging so hard while walking home from class that when I walked by this homeless guy, he turned to his friend and yelled at the fucking top of his lungs, "DAMNNNN. SHE LOOK MEAN!!! DID YOU SEE HER?? SHE LOOK MEANNNNN! HAHAHA!" I was so embarrassed. :( But it is hilarious in retrospect, haha.
I also wish I had better control over my...tears. I hate when I cry when I'm angry/during an argument...I feel like most people see it as a weakness and then feel free to write off my anger, ugh. I get really frustrated too and my mind just goes blank...then the second the argument ends, I think rationally...it's like when you come up with the perfect comeback a few minutes too late. I hate that feeling.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
COMMUNICATION. FUNCTIONAL, THOROUGH COMMUNICATION FROM ALL SIDES.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
Kate Bush

If you could choose what or who to come back as, what would it be?
Wait...how is this actually different from the previous question? How are we supposed to answer the previous question without choosing the answer ourselves?

What do your consider your greatest achievement?
I hopefully haven't reached it yet..I feel like I hit a plateau in everything I excel in.
I can't be objective and pick something about myself right now.

What is your most treasured possession?
I don't know, my laptop? haha, no, I don't know.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Having no one to talk to when you actually want to talk to someone.

What is your most marked characteristic?
I'd say I'm very observant and this defines most of my other characteristics.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Kindness. You know that Plato quote, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle," or something along those lines? It's such a great sentiment. Everyone's got problems, major problems even, & if someone can put theirs aside long enough to be kind to me then they've got my respect.

What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
A great ass. No, I'm kidding, kindness again.

What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty.

Who are your favourite writers?
Charles Jackson, Brooke Stevens, & my favorite songwriters which are too many to list here.

Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Any of the protagonists from Charles Jackson's novels/stories. They are so real.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Those who have overcome the bad things that happen to them and who do not allow themselves to become defined by those bad events.

What are your favourite names?
For a girl I like 'Meera' or 'Mira.' It means prosperous in Sanskrit, which is cool I suppose, but really I just like the way it sounds.
For a boy I like 'Ashok.' It means not causing sorrow in Sanskrit. Ashok was actually my Dad's name for like 28 days before his grandfather just decided he was going to change it to Krishna, haha. However, the thought of how badly butchered it could get as far as American pronunciations makes me wary, haha. It hadn't occurred to me to ever think of middle names, since I don't have one. My Mom doesn't either. My Dad does, though: 'Swaroop.' True nature in Sanskrit. Maybe I could just use Ashok as a middle name for a boy and think of something more ~pronunciation friendly~ for a first name. (Which is bullshit, really, I hate when people act like they can't pronounce my name because ~it's too ethnic~ or some shit excuse. IT IS SO EASY. IT TAKES NO EFFORT. Radhika...RAH-THEE-KAH. Everyone pretends they can't say THEE and can only manage DEE. THEE BITCHES. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SHAKESPEARE? SHIT'S NOT HARD OMG./rant) It's so far off in the future (if it happens at all) that I obviously don't have to worry about it just yet, hahaha. Shit, I don't even like kids, why am I dwelling on this?

What is it that you most dislike?
Not being in control.

How would you like to die?
Peacefully and quickly in my sleep...maybe.

What is your motto?
I don't have a personal motto, so I'll just put some of my favorite quotes here:
"Those men who raise their clubs over you are also fathers and brothers and sons. They have loved and cared for others. One day they will extend that love to you. Be sure of it and trust." - Michael Jackson

"I know the answer to this must be that we hesitate to reveal or acknowledge the existence of ugliness to the ones we love, even though the knowledge of such may better equip them to resist the effects of evil." - George Jackson

"Where there is ruin, there is the hope for treasure." - Rumi

"Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty." - John Lennon



So, this happened to me a while ago & I jotted it down but never got around to posting it until just now.

A cute guy pseudo-flirted with me as I was heading out to Business Intelligence the other day. I say 'pseudo' because I never think anyone is ever flirting with me because I don't consider myself to be attractive. another_slender's self-esteem issues go here, blah, blah, blah. I was in the elevator and it stopped at this guy's floor. He was so tall and his skin was so smooth like..milk chocolate....

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..did I? Yes. I just wrote that. I'm fucking ridiculous. I'm sure I could think of better adjectives than tall & ~chocolately~ but whatever, I'm apathetic right now.
Upon his entrance he immediately made direct eye contact and said, "I see you like everyday." I'm sure my face took on a wary expression. "Really?"
He continued, "Yea, I just see you around a lot. I guess you don't see me, huh?" I felt bad (and almost flattered for no real reason, idek..I was thinking of Stevie's My Cherie Amour: "In a cafe or sometimes on a crowded street, I've been near you, but you never notice me." Basically giving myself way too much credit, haha.) "Yea, I'm pretty oblivious," I said. He smiled, "Yea, me too sometimes..It's really nice out today." "Yea, it is." We both laughed. We were talking about the freaking weather of all things, such a cliché, but there were genuine laughs involved. We exited the elevator and parted ways. I heard a "Bye, now," but didn't register that it was him saying goodbye to me until it was too late and it would've be too awkward to have turned around and replied.



I've been on an Edgar Winter kick for the past few months.
Edgar Winter Solo (Fly Away--from La Toya Jackson’s Live At Bally's concert)
This is the first Edgar Winter song I ever heard...back in 2006, I think, and I really love this live performance. I admit it's not one of his best or anything. La Toya's not even on it until the end. But seriously, listen to this whole track in its entirety because at the end La Toya comes back from her break and is all excited like, "YES YES YEA EDGAR EDGAR WOO YEA EDGAR YEA YEA EDGAR YEA WHAT A GUY YES!" like just waiting for him to end his damn solo, omg I crack up every time.
& dude, this man wrote a song about his cat when she died. It's called Silent Love. He did it to comfort his wife or something, I don't remember exactly, lol. It's kind of sweet and creepy at the same time, which makes it sort of amazing to be honest, hahaha.
It's just adorable that this blues/rock legend responsible for shit like Frankenstein can write something so sad and sappy about a damn cat. I don't know, I just find it so fucking endearing. I love it.
widening eyes
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