So, it's been a year. What can I say that I haven't already? I've written about Michael Jackson's death and how it affected me a few times before: July 3, 2009August 29, 2009October 25, 2009November 1, 2009
Yes, it is sad that a family lost a son, brother, father, uncle, etc. Yes, it's sad that fans lost an idol. For me, however, it's sad because I lost an archetype..(well..okay, maybe that's too strong a word, perhaps framework works better) that I based my consumption of music on. Ha, I fully know it sounds self-indulgent and obsessive
& that's because it is. I guess I can't deny that I am obsessed with him.
Michael is the first artist I became a fan of. Because of this, throughout my life, he & his music have served as a framework of reference for how I enjoy music by others. I really mean that. I take the music I listen to very seriously and I enjoy it deeply, so this...gift (yea, idk, my diction sucks right now, lol) that he has given me is of the utmost value to me. I just....always thought that if I ever had the crazy chance to directly communicate with him (completely unrealistic, I always knew), I would thank him for that before anything else.
I still can't stand the thought that he's gone.
What hurts the most for me, perhaps, is that I'll never again feel the excitement of obtaining & experiencing new Michael music. That sounds kind of selfish, I suppose. I don't know, this is going to sound so stupid...but his music has really punctuated moments in my life in that way. It was always a constant...and now it's just over. It's such a sad, pathetic feeling. Posthumous releases of unreleased material will never bring about that same excitement. There'll just always be this nagging sadness, a feeling of emptiness? No, not emptiness, but unfulfilled curiosity regarding what music, videos, etc he would have created were he still living. Ugh, I still feel I am feeling his death too deeply when I try to express how affected I am. Yea, I still feel silly. But I really miss him so much! I absolutely do. I don't understand...How can I miss someone I've never even seen in person? How can I have so much love for someone I've never met? I guess, like I've said before, that I feel I have a first degree link to him simply by being a fan. Is it weird to say that? :/
I remember watching the memorial last summer. I was in Melbourne, Australia, so I stayed up all night to watch it. I just sat in front of the tv with a box of tissues next to me with all the lights off. I watched the motorcade drive in all the way to the motorcade driving out. I cried the whole time. Just silent tears..I was constantly wiping my cheeks but they were never dry. My mind wandered back to watching Michael attend James Brown's memorial back in January 2007. Who could've known that Michael's own would be so soon... It was so surreal. I never imagined how real my mourning would be for a virtual stranger, but really, it wasn't like watching the memorial of a stranger..rather it was saying goodbye to a longtime friend and it was kind of sorrowful, to be honest.
I remember the following morning, my Dad asked me why I took Michael and his life & death so seriously. I replied that he wasn't just Michael Jackson to me. He was a significant part of my life, you know? His music punctuates my childhood and adolescence. As I grew up he was a consistent presence and it just wasn't supposed to end like this. Nothing in the world will come close to meaning what he means to me.
I don't really want to go back to the feelings I had immediately after his death. I've already written about them so I don't need to do it again. Even now I can feel the latent recurring sadness that I talked about in previous posts creeping back in. It's something I don't understand and something I rather dislike..UGH, I just sound totally gross and melodramatic now so I think I'll just stop talking about it.
So, Mom is completely non-functional now. She's been that way for a few weeks. She just might be the worst that I have seen her. It is absolutely exhausting. I think she's finally lost her mind...
Dad's angry and weary and bitter. I feel the same way. We're doing everything we can but she refuses to realize it. Or maybe she's incapable of realizing it...she will not cooperate and nothing will truly improve until she does.
I'm getting almost nowhere with CPA studying because of it. I guess I don't particularly mind...but I don't want it to become something to hang over my head later. This entire summer is a joke.
I'm going to dinner later tonight with some old friends from undergrad. They kind of sprung it on me last minute..I probably should have opted out and stayed to keep watch over Mom, but it's too late to cancel now. Perhaps it might serve as a good way to distract myself. I haven't seen them in a little over a year. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.
Before I go, though, I want to do a short shoutout to my girls at whosbad
. You all have made dealing with this past year (in terms of Michael as well as general) much easier and more entertaining than it might have been. I LOVE YOU BITCHES.