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You say it's not a sword!
But with your pen you torture men.
 
I have no paper clips so I literally had to clip my notes for Advanced Accounting Topics together with bobby pins this morning. Bobby pins. Fucking bobby pins. I am not even happy that this semester has ended because all it means is that I've lost all my chances to redeem my grades.
& now all I have to look forward to is resuming my self-studying for the CPA exam.
When the fuck will I get to enjoy my life?
Bobby pins! WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
widening eyes
Don't this shit make my people wanna jump, jump? Just got home from the office party. We almost went bar-hopping as a group near the end, but thankfully it didn't pan out. I drank Courvoisier, listened to the Executive Director talk institute politics with various professors, laughed a lot, & fielded awkward questions & jokes in front of my father.
It was interesting.

widening eyes
Instead of the H&O show on Friday, I'll be going to the office party; mistake.
Bro, I'm so ashamed.
I had hoped to somehow impulsively get tickets to the concert at the last minute. Unrealistic, of course, but a romantic plan nonetheless. Instead, I'll probably end up spending the night in careful conversation with assorted professors & co-workers, smiling and reciting rehearsed replies to questions. Dutifully networking. With Possession Obsession set to a montage of images of Daryl Hall building houses playing in the back of my mind.
& tears streaming down my face.
Haha, okay, I'm kidding about the tears part...maybe. No, I really am bummed about not going to the H&O show. Seriously. Not going is the perfect way to start the end of a distinctly crappy semester.
widening eyes
One of the four suitemates of mine whose room is right next to mine has some heinous gas right now. It sounds like she's freaking moving furniture in there. Ugh.
So, Hall & Oates are playing in Atlanta at Chastain on April 17th. That's a motherfucking Friday. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. I so want to go. I have no excuses except no one to go with (which is necessary because I need a ride). I can't think of any of my friends who like Hall & Oates enough to pay to see them. My sister is game, but she doesn't have a car either. Maybe I can somehow drag my Dad into this...I forced him to listen to them on the way home from a family trip a few years ago & he didn't protest too much. Hmm.
What do you think of a Phd in Management? I'm thinking about it. I am already turned off of Actuarial Science after the lady I met with was a bit of a condescending bitch.
I need to go to sleep early tonight! Like right now! I totally slept in and had to call in sick to work today. Shit. Good night!
widening eyes
I fear the whole world is starting to believe you.

Have you ever had an iced coffee that was half warm? It is not a pleasant experience, especially when it is unexpected. The Saxby's barista at the library who made this white chocolate mocha this time leaves much to be desired.

Suddenly, it's hit me, as I sit here brought almost to tears over a mundane & difficult International Accounting homework assignment (pathetic, I'm well aware): I have no social stimulation here in downtown Atlanta, even after living here for roughly 8 months now. I don't know my way around and I have no one to explore with so I stay at home in front of my computer all the time whenever I'm not in class or at work.

I cannot believe that I romanticized being so alone as a child. I pictured myself, grown up and sophisticated, alone in an apartment for one. Painting something on a canvas. Wearing a black turtle neck. Drinking something alcoholic. In the daydream of my youth it was probably red wine. Which I now know that I dislike, so in the daydream of now, it would be vodka mixed with something fruity. Maybe a screwdriver. Or white wine. I don't mind white wine. Anyway, back to it: I'd be struggling to make ends meet, but thoroughly enjoying the starving artist cliché with all honesty. When it comes down to it, I'm so far from that silly dream. I'm in graduate school...not out of a desire to educate myself any further, but rather out of a fear to face the real world with its deadlines, expectations, employee performance reviews, parallel parking, and whatnot.

I try to convince myself that everyone goes through at least one period in their life where they are alone and have no friends to call on. But I'm really getting sick of always eating by myself. This feeling is not unlike what I experienced in Singapore a couple years ago, only more magnified and much more bothersome. Maybe I've forgotten how to showcase my personality. I do have one. A pretty great one, if I say so myself. I've forgotten how to socialize? Well, most likely, I haven't yet learned how to socialize properly. Seamlessly. I cut off my socializing for a while for a good reason. That reason still exists, but I was later able to make some friends around it. Sure, I'd even gotten pretty good at masking my deficiency. Always the one to make a quick quip & get a laugh. But now that I'm alone it's becoming painfully obvious that I'm totally lost.

Lost in a major I have no ambition or passion for, perhaps? No, not really. I mean, that I can deal with. Well..maybe not. Sure, I get depressed about it constantly, but I'm always overcome with a sense of responsibility to myself (no, really to others) to keep up what I try to convince myself is not a charade. A responsibility to see this through because I feel it is truly too late to do something else. I'm already doing a freaking Masters for crying out loud! How can I possibly backtrack to my Undecided major from sophomore year of undergrad now!? Sometimes I do wish I would have the courage to stop this and tell everyone, "Hey! Sorry guys! I fucked up! I really did, and I understand that this announcement is way late and that I had so many chances to make it earlier that I just didn't take out of fear & stupidity, but...guess what? I'm ready to finally take charge of the situation and do something I enjoy! Something I can handle! Aren't you happy for me?" Hahaha, that is never going to happen. But maybe there is still an out. Once I graduate in December, if I don't find a job (and the way things are going, I probably won't anytime soon), I will lose my health insurance. I'll only continue to have health insurance if I keep going to school! Maybe I can use this opportunity to get yet another degree. Only this time, it could be a degree that I can feel comfortable with. One I care about at least a little.

Ultimately, I suppose I'm lost in being alone. Which I guess makes it somewhat cruelly ironic...that I am alone and therefore don't even have to worry about anyone picking up on my loss of social skills. It completely works for as well as against itself. How positively neat.
I guess I should get back to my homework.
widening eyes
Just now, as I was walking into my apartment building, a homeless guy was walking towards me. I immediately sped up my walk to the door and frowned extra hard to show him I meant business and wasn't going to stop to entertain him or hear whatever babble he was preparing to say. He just smiled and said, "You shouldn't be so serious all the time. Being too serious is bad for your health." So I smiled wide after I passed him. Asshole.
widening eyes
I really want some oreos.
I'm off to Vegas in a few hours.
I don't want to go.
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I got a 107% on my Accounting Theory final. THE HIGHEST GRADE OUT OF 48 OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS. FUCK YEAH.
king
YOU GET AWAY FROM ME.

His line: So what is your room number? You may need me to help you washing your long & beautiful hair or for a massage after your busy day.

My answer, after I sat in incredulous shock for about a minute: Uh, I'm pretty self-sufficient when it comes to washing my own hair, etc, so all that's unnecessary. I remember you said you were in the doctoral program for economics, right? How long have you been in the program? I'm actually considering maybe doing a PhD in accounting after my Masters. How do you like the doctoral program so far?

What I wanted to say: Fall back bitch, this is not your shit. I've talked to you once about motherfucking scholarly subjects that were so far from anything suggestive that I can't understand or believe you're trying this shit on me now. FUCK OFF. FUCK THE FUCK OFF, FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER.

He wants to wash my hair? Is he fucking serious? That shit made me more uncomfortable than being hit on by random homeless guys while walking to class/work. What is wrong with people? I was trying to NETWORK and this asshole only cares about coming onto me? FUCK THIS BULLSHIT.
fear
I finally got my new laptop.
It is glossy and I am in love.
I also finally found a good copy of the Carpenter's Live In Japan album.
I'm even more in love.
This live version of Mr. Guder is fucking sublime.
I don't want to wake up for work tomorrow or take the quiz I just realized I'm going to have in Supply Chain Mgt.
Damn.
widening eyes
I really want some cake and vodka, but sadly, I have neither.
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I just came home from an info. session in the business school and on my way to the shuttle stop a seemingly homeless girl struck up a conversation with me. I was waiting to cross the road, and was leaning over to look down the street to see if any restaurants were open.
The girl came up next to me and said, "It's safe to cross, honey." I smiled because obviously I knew that. She and I started to cross and she proceeded to kindly (and unnecessarily, haha) explain the walk/don't walk signs to me.
She was so bubbly, so I just smiled and nodded as if she were really enlightening me. "You're looking beautiful tonight," she said. I laughed and thanked her. "You're just all giggles! I'm going to call you Giggles. You know, my mother was called Giggles. She's deceased." I replied that I was sad to hear that. She then said, "My name is Aiesha. Just keep me in your prayers. I am seventeen years old and I'm HIV positive and I'm 4 months pregnant." She lifted up her shirt to reveal her protruding belly. I nodded with a sympathetic expression. "I ask people for help...I just asked a police officer if I could have his food, he was throwing it away, and he just pushed me! He said NO! and pushed me!" I commiserated with her and offered another sympathetic nod. She continued, "I just need help, all I'm asking for is a little help."
She turned to me and I knew what was coming so I stopped walking, interrupted her, and reached into my purse. I looked directly into her eyes and said, "You know, you are very lucky because I rarely do this, but I'll give you a twenty." I handed the bill to her and her face just...exploded into this huge smile and her eyes just LIT UP. She took the bill from my hand and before I could say anything else, she threw her arms around me and gave me the most suffocating hug. "THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" When she finally let go of me, she asked me my name. I told her and she said thank you again. She started off in the same direction as me, and then had an epiphany and stopped to exclaim, "I'm going to Mickey D's!" and then she and I parted ways.
Her story could've been fake. In fact, it most likely was, apart from her obvious pregnancy..but I don't give a fuck.
I usually flat out ignore panhandlers, but I was just feeling hella charitable on a whim, idk.
That crazy hug was worth it. But this is the last time. My cynicism has fully set in.
Also, I felt like I was making up for not giving anything to the people who approached me in Vrindavan. I don't know it makes no sense, but still.
widening eyes
So, tonight I got home just in time for Hillary's DNC speech. I LOLed at "sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits" and teared up at the part where she talked about Harriet Tubman and not stopping if you hear the dogs (I am lame, haha) and getting a taste of freedom & whatnot. I am very excited about this year's election. It's the first one I can vote in. I will be so depressed if McCain wins.

If you comment, I'll check out your LJ profile. In particular, the interests section. I will then pick three "interests" and ask you to explain them. You then post an LJ entry (or just reply as a comment) explaining those three interests, along with this explanation.

pmax3 asked me to explain the following three:

EminemCollapse )

IndiaCollapse )

PhysicsCollapse )

Mozambique or was it Veronique? How about
you pick the subject & I'll listen to you.
widening eyes
Me (sans a laptop!), two suitcases, and I'm coming to see you.
From Atlanta to Chicago to Frankfurt to Chennai to Kerala to Chennai to Delhi to Frankfurt to Atlanta.
They're going to want to know how it was being there after six years.
My great uncle would send me poetic text messages. That's what I'll miss the most.
I am also selfishly relieved to soon be leaving India only since it is in a period of unrest with the bombing. I do care..it's just my apathy and cynicism setting in.
I keep thinking I've lost something.
I look down
and it's only you.
widening eyes
The day after my internship ended, Parthiv Chettan (who I hadn't seen in over ten years), a cousin of his (Dinesh or something), and some girl who was the cousin's friend (I never caught her name) went out--to be celebrating Chennai-style only, yaar.
We went to this club called Dublin. It was 21 plus...In fact, Parthiv was the only one in our group of four people who was of age. Our plan was to just follow Parthiv into the club, so if they aksed for IDs, he would show his and we would just try to file in after him, haha. I was very doubtful of this ~great master plan~ since Parthiv is pretty short and looks younger than his age (at least I think so) but they didn't even check IDs so I got in without incident.
Before we actually got there, Dinesh pulled over to smoke a joint with Parthiv and the girl. I don't smoke, so I was like whatever, just make it quick. The girl, however, was all bragging about how it smelled like a sweet joint, blah, blah, blah but when she finally inhaled she coughed for like 5 minutes straight. It was pretty clear that she was just talking big to impress Parthiv & I. It didn't work, haha.
Anyway, when we finally got there, the place was empty. Maybe ten other people were there? Parthiv and Dinesh hadn't had dinner so we decided to leave to get something to eat and then come back later. Originally we were going to go for Chinese, but there was a long wait at the restaurant we tried. After driving around for a while they finally settled on a little pastry shop. About an hour had passed by this time and they figured that the club would've filled up so Dinesh called a shitload of his friends who were already way wasted and told them to come.
We all met in the lobby and those who hadn't entered the club yet started pairing off. Couples got in way cheaper than singles..but one guy came up short. Most of them were high out their minds and we all just stood there for about 10 minutes and no one was making any decisions so I tore off my little bracelet thing and said I'd go with him but that someone else would have to pay for my half since I had already paid. He was very high, but nice and said that he'd cover it.
This is where the night became a people-watcher's dream.
The second we walked in the club, the guy I had paired off with seemingly disappeared from my side. I looked around for a second and then he reappeared.

He had literally pop-locked his way about ten feet away from me. You really need to keep reading this ish. It gets willy nilly.Collapse )
riri
So...I think my wisdom teeth are coming in..only the top ones.
No excruciating pain, though, so I guess that's a good thing. Haha, I remember going with my Dad to see an orthodontist to get the 411 on my wisdom teeth after I got my braces off years ago. The orthodontist, of course, was all, "Oh..we should take them out immediately, blah blah blah." My Dad was all, "Fall back dentist man, this is not your shit." My Dad has never had braces but his teeth are immaculately straight. They're freaking perfect. He never had his wisdom teeth taken out and basically thinks it's a waste of money to do so. I remember I was so happy to agree with him..but just because I'm a total wuss and didn't want to get any form of surgery. So I was able to get out of it then. I wonder if that will change now.
widening eyes
07 09 08 - Let me be weak.
Let me sleep, and dream of George Jackson.
widening eyes
Today at work I was typing away at my keyboard, my eyes on the ancient monitor in front of me, (It's a Compaq S540 excavated from the IT pool. The PC is the kind that lies flat under the monitor, but the IT guys decided it would be better under the desk...where my leg space should be. One day I was idly resting my feet on it when an IT guy walked by and was all..."Feet! Off!" Oh please, this computer is crap anyway. As if my dainty little foot is going to obliterate it Godzilla stylee. Hardly.) when some guy across from me a few rows in front stood up. Naturally, eyes go where motion is, so I glanced up from my computer screen and saw that he was just staring straight at me with this smile on his face. I looked back blankly. Then just as I was about to look down and get back to typing, he wiggled his eyebrows up and down at me...seriously. It was just like a bad pick up attempt from a teen movie or something. I was floored. Not by him, mind you, but by the fact that he thought such a method might result in anything but failure. I was so confused. I frowned at him with a question on my face. He kept up with the goofy smile. I promptly looked down with knitted eyebrows. I didn't want him to mistake my incredulous expression for interest.

The men in this office are so weird.
madonna
I was on the receiving end of the most lecherous grin I've ever seen on my way out of the office today. He made direct eye contact and I had to break it as I walked by him. It was really unnerving. I escaped into the elevator and just as I pressed the Close Doors button and the doors began to move closed, I saw him walk out of the office towards the elevator. Did my heart jump? But the doors closed and the elevator went down without incident. I haven't seen him at the office before and I don't want to again. I'm overreacting, I'm sure..but he was too close for comfort. Not physically, but I felt his eyes on my back.
riri
To assail the earl in his own stronghold, but thick woods,
as if resolved to bury himself. He in the mahabharata, and
were probably aboriginal he was all out for seeing London especially
what probability of an acquisition of territory by round
'em up? I've no idea, said Craddock. I suppose remained
in sangamon county, the specter of the had drawn off a little,
and I saw the absolute.

Three to escape and join the expedition. I must precious!
and so he must require sentence. When kindhearted schoolmaster,
laying down his book. Appearance as a little boy: there
was no blush, had to wait a long while for full payment,
but I saw was Mr. Gilchrists tan gloves laying in was an
invisible spectator whose eye rested on the one above described.
we have been told that her. I loved her. Yes, I loved her
still with yes, that was a japanese trick, I fancy. Do not
the other along the water line. A border of deep he spoke
in the kindest and fairest way of his any more monstrosities,
and Raymond West wrote fifty one. She paused. She made it
very emphatic: crowd, mad are their motions, and their tongues.

Thorns. That day my feet were indeed in a pitiable stolen
in broad daylight. It was at the time when through me. That's
what frightened me because of notice, I would prefer to
terminate the engagement money they made by industrious
habits was extorted where a man can walk but his soul cannot
follow bio settled that he shall leave me forever,
and go of persia that people who really understood the has
been here. I have traced her. What has she line, and a three quarter
who can’t either punt what did you do? It seems to me that
you must dignitary was informed that the castle skiff had
are…Her voice deepened as she quoted: .4 trifle,
position saying as far as you can remember, something I took
the coat down to them and made some excuse.


These narratives supplemented three spam emails asking me to buy some sort of Viagra-esque product. Hahaha, how poetic! Seriously, what is this Jack White shit? I love it.
III
widening eyes
In a complete lapse of judgement, I left my ipod at home. That sucks majorly. I don't know what I was thinking.
widening eyes
The flight to Chicago was uneventful. Once I got there Madhu Uncle picked me up and I met Radhika Chechi, Siva Priya and Hari. Hari is 13 years old now! Crazy. The last time I saw him, he was 3...and Siva Priya didn't even exist, haha. The kids had some sort of music lesson presentation to do the night I was there. Some other students came too. Everything was fine and dandy for the first half of it. Siva Priya sang, and so did Hari, albeit reluctantly, haha. However, once the older students started to sing, a baby brought by one of the guests started to..I don't know..gurgle? yeah, started to gurgle incredibly loudly. Seriously. He was pulling some straight up Chewbacca shit. It was amazing. The senior guests started joking that the baby wanted to sing too.
Seven year old Siva Priya would not leave me alone the entire time I was there, haha. She always wanted to play hide and seek or tennis or soccer or basketball...with me being the hoop by standing at the top of the stairs holding my arms in a circle in front of me. I kept trying to divert her suggestions, "Uhh..how about we just sit here and talk or something?" It didn't work, haha.
The next day I left for Frankfurt. One hour delay on the flight.
Once I got on the flight, the little kid in the row in front of me felt the need to announce everything in a shrill little boy voice at the very top of his lungs before we took off. Collapse )
I pray for Jackie's strength.
widening eyes
I'm leaving for India tomorrow. Or I guess technically later today. I'll head from Atlanta to Chicago, from Chicago to Frankfurt, and then finally from Frankfurt to Chennai. I won't get any meals on any of the flights so I'll have to stuff my face during the connections, haha. The connection between Frankfurt and Chennai is about four hours so I have time to wander around in the Frankfurt airport. That should be fun. I haven't been to India in like 6 years. It'll be surreal, haha. But I'm excited to see friends and family.
So...I was stocking up on toiletries and whatnot last night for my trip and Kroger apparently doesn't have CoverGirl liquid pencil eyeliner, only mascara and foundation...neither of which I use, haha. I think it may have been discontinued. Damn. I ended up getting Physician's Formula Eye Definer Felt-Tip Eye Marker. Basically, it's the same thing as the CoverGirl eyeliner so hopefully it will suffice.
Shiraz is the only wine I've ever had, but I really don't like it. I had some with dinner tonight. My dad really likes it and was totally making fun of me. I don't know, to me..it feels like...liquid heartburn. Haha. I much prefer vodka.

And it is clear, dear, that I'm not sleeping anymore.
Congratulations if you lose control.
Do you still need a sign?
Let me know if you want a postcard from India.
widening eyes
05 26 08 - Frankenmix
FrankenmixCollapse )
widening eyes
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